Alamance Alfred

From Alterealitiky

Alamance Alfred is a show created in E. Walnut Cove. It is Ultra-PIC and related to other PIC shows. The show centers around a Jerky Fat Guy and his many friends in central North Carolina. It was cancelled for having the extremely profane word "Alfred" in its title. His main enemy is Jake Lodikrap.




'Alamance' Alfred An extremely fat 18-year-old who fled from his small hometown of Alamance to the big-city mill town of Burlington after his father died. He tends to be very goofy, and his an extremely weird voice. His mother lives in Graham, and his buddies are Randall, Jed, Master McGrath, and Mr. Cook.

Josie Alfred Alfred's crazy mother, who once lived in a trailer park right outside of Alamance, now living single in a slummy house in Graham. She is choleric and lives on welfare.


Randall 'the Vandal' Randall is a beer-chuggin' rednecky Wikipedia vandal who drinks a lot, usually to excess. He is a definite conservative, as he voted strongly for Ronald Reagan. He often vandalizes the page for Walter Mondale.


Jed Matthews conservative hillbilly redneck, who'll never stop makin' the shine! He is a whiskey lover, and a friend of Alamance Alfred. He works at a mill.

Clara Matthews A redneck hottie and daughter of Jed, not to mention Alfred's love interest. She is a big fan of Pigs of Pamlico Pork Rinds, and the leader of the Burlington Bible Club. She has often done very stupid things, such as creating a comic strip called 'Hill Billy'. She is probably the most Christian character in the show.


Mr. Cook A fat, lazy, ugly, bald jerk of a politician, he does not listen at all to the Bible and was condemned by religious fanatics everywhere in all of North Carolina. He is probably the least religious character in the show.

'Crazy Jeff' Cook Crazy Jeff is a proud real estate dealer who can sometimes get a bit out of hand in his attempts to peddle his ' great esteat'.


Benjamin Corbin A retired black biker, mill worker, and housekeeping buddy to Alfred. He was 'born down in Eastern Mississippi, went up to NC, and currently lives in minority community of Green Level'.


'Master' McGrath A substitute Gaelic teacher at Alamance Comm. College, and not a very good one either. He is recognizable mainly by his sunglasses and obviously fake Irish brogue. He lives in a McMansion.


Jake Lodikrap A crazy Chapel Hill dweller, a diehard liberal and new ager. He is a sworn enemy of conservative Alfred, who is conservative. He is hated by most Burlingtonians.

Mill Workers

Mill Workers Four unfunny mill workers who finish each other's sentences. They are all under Corbin's power. After 1987 they were absent.


Derfhiggen Vordermeer An Armenian, also a cognac-sipping elitist. He despises any redneck, though he claims to be Alfred's buddy. He left the show from 1986-1988 to be on his own short-lived show, 'Spotlight on Armenia'.

Miner Characters

H.E.L.L. A creepy criminal who calls himself 'H.E.L.L.' to hide that his real name is Herbert. He killed Alfred's father.

Erica A freakish Goth girl who is convinced that nothing matters and who blushes a lot for no real reason.

Me A pathetic TBH of Litecoveria. What a freak.

Admiral Wombat and Friends A bunch of TV personalities who appear on Alfred's favorite show 'Admiral Wombat', a spoof of Captain Kangaroo.

Mr. Robinson The quick-tempered, fat boss at the mill.

Danny Faintomb A biker and 1980's style punk.

Driddheim Vordermeer Derfie's son. Not elitist, not at all Armenian. A brat, who is seen much in Alamance Arthur but seldom seen in Alfie-Boy.

Scarab A big ugly Guy in A Scarab Suit. Rips Clara's flesh. Only seen is Season Six

Mr. MacEnis A giant penis.

Grandpa and Gramma Matthews The Grandapernts (GeezeHUST) of jed who [[Death. Please not Death|Die] in an episode.

Merfhiggen Morderveer An Ed-jut from Atlanta who is the main enemy of Derfhiggen. He is tortured in the only reasonable episode of Spotlight on Armenia

Dumb Dawg A dumb dawg who just stands there.

Skye Thetford A girl who has her face splattered with white stuff.

Theme Song

The song is long.

However, this is usually what is played.

Alamance Alfred,

Alamance Alfred,

Alamance Alfred,

Alamance Alfred.

He can kick your penis ninety times.

And send it into hell.

He's Alamance Alfred

Alamance Alfred.

Brave Croboy in Burlington.



Season One

  1. The Alfreds of Alammance
  2. Sausage Festival
  3. The Field Trip
  4. The Pride of All England
  5. They Shoot My Dad, Don't They
  6. Where in the World is San Diego?
  7. My Still, My Still, I ain't payin your welfare bill, it's My Still
  8. Lodikrap Acres
  9. Alamance Armenian
  10. Wimpy Croboy in Wilmington
  11. The Grapes of McGrath
  12. Pigs of Pamlico
  13. Great Esteat
  14. Brown Mansions
  15. King of the Mill
  16. Randallism
  17. Escape from MONKEY ISLAND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  18. The Good Ole Boys
  19. Run of the Mill
  20. I'm a Native American, Too a.k.a. Jake's Ancestry
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